Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize