i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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