I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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