I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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