if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
