1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
false alarm, still single
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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