he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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