It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
