You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
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