I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
The uberlube is also flammable
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
