Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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