All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize