I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
