I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
