my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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