if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
she looked like the before picture.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
