a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
