I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize