Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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