I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
