Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Randomize
