umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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