Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
