I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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