never play flip cup with pint glasses
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
