I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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