do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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