My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
you made out with another girl for some wings
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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