Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
