Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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