I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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