there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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