Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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