i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Randomize
