Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
