Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
