I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
