Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
