i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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