I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
