Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
