i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Operation Purity has been aborted
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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