My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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