This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
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