To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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