Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Randomize
