I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
