I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
