hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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