you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
