I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
