OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
