at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
