i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I deserve this hangover.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
