does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
my sisters under your porch take her home
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
