well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
