I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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