I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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