Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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